Kotor Talk::Revan's Journey
by 13thprotector
Summary: I am the host talking to random KotOR characters, and due to technical difficulties, I have now added Revan's Journey to this fanfic, so please enjoy his journeys to take down the sith in worlds you should know well.
1. Chapter 1

**Fast talk**

Me: Good evening potential customers, I have to say it is good being out here today with all of you...

*Crickets*

Me: Uh.. well that is expected... well first up is HK-47

HK-47: Statement: This unit has been cohered to being into this talk, this is so unfair!

Revan:*whisper* Get out there, or I'll turn you into scrap!

HK: Commentary: Oh I love it when you act so ruthless to me master.

Me: Hello HK-47

HK: Query: May I kill him master?

Revan: No.

HK: Please?

Revan: No.

HK: Statement: Go ahead make fun of your pet droid, it is hilarious is it not?

Me: Well HK-47, tell me a bit about yourself.

HK: Commentary: I am programed with highly illegal assassination programming and am also fluent in many forms of communication.

Me: Well, anything else?

HK: Statement: I am wasted away translating binary texts and working for moisture farmers, please someone take me out of my misery.

Me: Ok then... next up we will be talking to Canderous Ordo, the new Mandalore

HK: Query: Master may I kill him now?

Revan: Not until we're done.

Time passes.

Me: Ok we're back!

*silence*

Me: Crap, even the crickets left.

**END!**

**Please review, or Canderous won't show up.**

**Canderous likes the publicity and won't show unless a review is submitted.**

**HK: Query: Why not get the Twilek Mission Vao to come?**

**Shut up Hk.**

**HK: Commentary: Charging blasters.**


	2. Chapter 2

**STAR WARS!**

**Thousands of years ago when significant events were occurring...**

**Hk-47: **Statement: All your bases are now belong to us!

_Back at the studios._

#13(me): Welcome back everyone, how are you?

*crickets*

#13: Atleast the crickets are back. Well I'm going to leave for a while... To the UNDERCITY! to find Canderous.

_At the elevator to the lower city._

Sith Guard: Halt! It's obvious as to how you're not wearing a disguise that you are not authorized to enter the lower city.

#13: So if I had a disguise, I could walk in?

Sith Guard: Well yeah, if you were wearing a disguise I wouldn't be able to recognize you.

_Carth shows up._

#13: Carth!

Carth: Look man, Revan sent me. He told me, well I think it's a crazy plan, but you need...

#13: look I know Carth.

Carth: A disg...

#13: Yeah I'm not stupid.

_One sith uniform later_...

Sith Guard: Nice armor my friend! Did you polish it yourself?

#13: Eh, yeah...

Sith Guard: Go right in, you shiny fellow.

_Lower city..._

_Black Vulkers run by and go up to some Hidden Beks_

Vulkar: You Beks are nothing but Bantha Fodder!

Bek: No, it is you Black Vulkars who suck, it is we who are the strongest!

Vulkar: You Primrose Popinjays!

Bek: You Dandified Dolts!

Vulkar: You Freckless Fools!

Bek: You Blustering Blackguards!

Vulkar: Scum!

Bek: Loser!

Vulkar: Ruffian!

Bek: Nerf Hearder!

Vulkar: ... Oh it's on!

_Due to budget cuts I cannot show this violence anymore, instead watch this video of a panda..._

_One Panda video later..._

#13: Wow, that battle was amazing! To bad those Beks got killed.

_In the Under City._

Undercity Scum: You there! Upworlder, this elevator has a toll of 5 credits!

#13: Just 5 credits?

Undercity Scum: We're so wretched and pitiful! *runs off crying*

#13: Ok...

Undercity Elder: Yes I have seen the Mandalorian go by, he went down into the sewers to hunt Gemorians.

#13: Man, this stinks, I've had to go to the lower city and then to the undercity and now to the sewers?

Undercity Elder: Are you still here!

_In the Sewers._

#13: Gemorians! Watch out camera guy.

Camera Guy: Mhhph!

Gemorian1: Why do we have to hang out in the sewers, it's smelly and I hate eating womprats.

Gemorian2: Quit you're whining! I just pity the fools who live in the **Under Sewers**.

#13: Damn, am I going to have to go there too?

_At a force cage_

Canderous: Hey! #13, are you there?

#13: Yes I am... oh, you've been captured.

Canderous: Just get me out of here.

#13: Really? You want me to get you out so you can run away from my talk show again?

Canderous: Yes.

#13: No, We'll just do the talk show while you're in the cage.

Canderous: No, no you won't!

#13: You don't have the skills to get out.

Canderous: Let me out of this thing!

#13: You'll have to let me.

Canderous: You had better or I'll make the rest of your life a living hell!

#13: just answer a few questions first, tell me a bit about yourself.

Canderous: You &*%(#) (#*#%(^)(#%$*^($ )#($%( (^($) ($($%*^(!

#13: Now that is some colorful language.

Canderous:*Pulls out a blaster carbine*

#13: That's all for now *Dodges blast* See you next time!

Canderous: Get back here and let me out!

**#13:Next Time, we will be leaving Taris and going to Kashyk and are going to talk to Jolee Bindo... unless I get no reviews, if I get no Reviews I will go to Narshadaa to meet Mission and Zallbar... I would much rather go to see Jolee.**

**Mission: Hey! You're being mean!**

**#13: No I'm not!**

**Mission: Yes you are!**

**#13: No I'm not!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Star Wars!**

**In a time when the most unhandsome Sith, Darth Malak has been killed in a blind furry by Revan...**

**HK-47: Statement: As a meatbag would say, 'I have a bad feeling about this.'**

_Back at the studio!_

#13: Hey once again everybody, sorry for the few day delay, we officially have budget cuts!

...

#13: Well for the last few days my producers have been railing on me to get off Kasshyk(yes, I misspell it a lot), but as that one guy in the audience, please stand up and give us a woot!

Olen jedi ikuises Woot!

#13: As that guy has asked, I have delivered, I went to Kashykyyy to talk to Jolee Bindo. Now I don't know if it's his age or if he hopped up on spice (or wookie dung) but he lives up to his legendary expectations and we have video footage of it!

Camera Guy1: Roll the film!

**On Kasyshyk**

#13 commentary: As we arrived on the wookie held city on Kasyyyky, we suddenly realized the wookies had good intentions...

#13: Camera Guy, ask these wookies if they know Jolee.

Wookie: Rwow Wrowr, roar

#13: What was that about?

Camera Guy: If I'm correct, he said that he wanted us to go have a feast of babies.

#13: Sounds good... we'd better find Jolee first.

**Down in the ShadowLands**

#13 commentary: And so we made friends with the wookies and had a feast, but due to budget cuts I cannot show our feast.

#13: Alright camera guy, there's Jolee's house. Now, we have to be careful not to.

Camera Guy: *Clank*

Jolee: Damn Wookies GET OFF JOLEE'S LAWN! Hmmm Skeleton man in league with the wookies... SKELETON MAN! GET OFF JOLEE'S LAWN AND TAKE YO WOOKIE LOVERS OFF JOLEE'S LAWN!

#13: Wait no Jolee, no don't do any... *Got hit by a rock*

#13 commentary: As I was passed out the camera guy ran off and I got tied up and when I came to, I was dangling over a hole.

Jolee: RISE AND SHINE, SKELETON MAN!

#13: wait I'm over a hole? Wait! NO NO Jolee no, I can make you famous!

Jolee: SKELETON MAN TRY TO TRICK JOLEE, JOLEE LET SKELETON MAN FALL LIKE A DUMMY DOWN THIS HERE HOLE! And Jolee gets some refreshing lemonade. *takes a sip* Hmm, needs cajin spice.

#13: AAAAAHHHHHH!

#13 commentary: As I feel, branches and roots slapped across my face and I rolled down to see the camera guy had been hiding down in the hole the whole time.

#13: Alright, lets get back up there and get our footage.

#13 commentary: and so we climbed back up and I poked my head out the top.

Jolee: SKELETON MAN NOT LISTEN TO JOLEE! SKELETON MAN GONNA GET THE BIGGEST BUTT WHOOPING HE EVER FELT!

#13: *dodges the rocks* Ha! Can't get me!

Jolee: HMM, SKELETON MAN GOOD AT DODGING, JOLEE BETTER PULL OUT THE BIG GUNS!

#13: *sniff sniff* What stinks?

Jolee: SKELETON MAN TAKE BACK ALL HIS WOOKIE DUNG AND GET OFF MY LAWN!

#13 commentary: I got crushed by a big ball of wookie dung... don't ask how it felt, but after that I found myself tied up dangling upside-down over that damn hole again.

#13: Why! WHY! WHY ARE YOU SUCH A MEAN GUY!

Jolee: Skeleton Man talk to much!

#13: You don't even know who I am!

Jolee: Jolee know exactly who skeleton man is! You are Dummy! And Dummy don't realize there is an EARLY BIRD SPECIAL EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK!

#13: What?

Jolee: STAY OFF JOLEE'S LAWN!

#13: !

#13: and so I fell, and when I landed, I landed on a cactus... look, I don't even know where the thing came from.

#13: Camera guy, what am I gonna do?

Camera Guy: Look lets get back to the wookie city and...

#13: And you go down with a wookie to talk to Jolee!

Camera Guy: Uh, ok?

#13 commentary: Well I stayed up in the city eating babies while the camera guy came back unscathed.

#13: How did you get out with your life?

Camera Guy: Well the wookies know how to control him a bit.

Recording

Jolee: Hey wookie stop hugging me! Skeleton Man sent wookies to kill me, Skeleton Man gonna get it!

End Recording

#13: What? *THOOK!*

#13 commentary: Yes, I got knocked out again and tied up.

Jolee: NOW, SKELETON MAN GONNA GET IT! SKELETON MAN FORCED JOLEE TO TAKE OUT HIS MOST POWERFUL WEAOPN!

#13: no please Jolee, no!

Jolee: QUIET DUMMY! Now sheck out Jolee's moves!

#13:

#13 commentary: He danced and I had to watch for a full day until he let me fall again and I ran to my ship.

#13: Finally, my ship!

*Large ball of dung flies and crushes ship*

Jolee: DUMMY TAKE WOOKIE DUNG OFF JOLEE'S LAWN!

#13: Now I know what your thinking, how did I get off? Well there's a funny story to that. First a Czerka ship came down to capture slaves, and Jolee destroyed it with wookie dung. Then a duros ship came down to save the Czerka guys and well the same thing happened.

Camera Guy: I don't think we ever got out.

#13: then how are we here?

#13: Review if you want to see what Atton and the Exile do on their off days, unless you have an Idea of your own...

Hk-47: Statement: there seems to be a disconnect in your higher brain function, please review to continue...

Hk-47: Please continue or I will be forced to commit my master's favorite precept.


	4. Chapter 4

**Star Wars!**

**As Our Studio Was Running out of money we took the liberty in kidnaping a few random crickets to add to the show!**

**Hk-47: Salutation: Good Evening Meatbags... I am a corporate tool! For being here it costs 100 credits! Query: Oh prospective coustomer, is that a neuroband? We have a 50 credit tax on neurobands.**

**Cricket: Get on with the show!**

#13: *walks up on stage waving* Hello again everyone!

*crickets chirping*

#13: Where the heck did we get the crickets? Anyway, today we have a special. An enslaved camera man and myself will be going to the Exile's(female) house to see what she does on the weekends that I don't have off from work. But it seems we have some new audience members. Please stand up and give me a few woots!

Revan's Apprentice: WOOT!

SilverShards: HEEY!

Olen jedi ikuisesti: YEAY!

#13: Well at least I don't have just crickets anymore. So onward to our latest video when myself and a forced to be my servant of a camera man, were sent to Dantooine to talk to the newly engaged couple of (Female)Exile and Atton Rand... Also Bao-dur and (Male)Exile and (Brianna)Handmaiden are also on the planet along with most of the cast of KotOR II looming around that planet but we'll just focus on these closest few...

Slave Camera Man: Roll the Clip!

#13commentary: Well we shortly arrived on the planet and were greeted by the one armed Zabrack and his pet droid.

Bao-dur: Well hello and welcome to this quaint little community on this... hey I know you!

#13: Yeah, I was a general in the Mandalorian Wars.

Bao-dur: Then I should take you to my general.

#13: Maybe, but we should talk to you first... like, how did you loose that arm?

Bao-dur: Well like you saw, I kept dropping my hyrdrospaner and I thought I should get a new arm.

#13: What I remember was that your first few tries on the Mass Shadow generator weren't that much of a success.

Bao-dur: Lets just go see the general.

#13commentary: We got to the quaint little house and it seemed like the (Female)Exile was far more busy than I thought... and well like I said the budget cut wouldn't let us get graphic, but the camera guy put that part on StarTube and we got over 5000000000 hits.

#13commentary: When (female)Exile got out of her "Shower" she quickly greeted me and sat down in the chair, but she couldn't seem to stay still because she got up and ran around touching and messing with all her items in her house.

#13: So how long have you two been together?

(Female) Exile: Well pretty long, since we started our adventures with my brother that lives just across the fields.

#13: Really, so you won't be trowing rocks at me?

(Female)Exile: Why do you say that?

*Rocks fly through the window and hit me in the head*

Voice in the Distance: SKELETON MAN GET OFF JOLEE'S LAWN!

#13commentary: As I ran away to the Garage, Jolee broke (Female)Exile's windows out with rocks. In the Garage, The prospective camera man and myself found Atton working on a little project.

Camera Man: Whatcha doooin'?

Atton: Hey! Only (female)Exile talks to me like that!

Camera man: Sorry...

#13: Anyway, how are you today?

Atton: More like who are you today?

#13: I am a talk show host, and...

Atton: Wait! You're the guy who called earlier!

#13: Well yes that was me...

Atton: Get out!

#13: What?

Atton: Just go! I refused earlier and I refuse now!

#13: Well that's not nice.

Atton: Neither is your face.

#13: Stupid

Atton: Idiot!

#13: Ruffian!

Atton: Lilly Licker!

#13: Poesy sniffer!

Atton: Gemorian Pig face!

#13: Nerf Herder!

Atton: ... Oh it's on now!

#13commentary: After a few minutes of rough housing, (Female)Exile came through the door with a cup of tea.

(Female)Exile: Atton!

Atton: (female)Exile?

Camera Man: (Female)Exile...:D

Bao-dur: Atton?

Remote: Bwooooo

#13: Donkey!

#13commentary: You know, I'll just shorten "#13commentary" to #13th so I won't have to say so much during this puppe... I mean talk show.

#13th: And so I whipped out my lightsaber and cut a hole through the door, bid fare well to the (female)Exile and ran to the Jedi Enclave.

#13th: At the Jedi Enclave, I found Master Vandar, Vrook, and Zar.

Zar: Ah, so you have returned.

Vrook: Why didn't you stay gone?

Vandar: Nice to see you again padawan.

#13: Nice to see you masters again, I would like to ask a few questions from you...

Vrook: Are you still here?

#13: Yes, nice to see you too, Vrook.

Vrook: Get, go!

Vandar: Be nice to the young one Vrook.

#13: Yes be nice to me.

Vrook: ...

#13th: So Vrook kicked me out, I have nowhere to go, unless you count (Male)Exile's house. He let me and the camera guy spend the night there and then we are limited by budget cuts to show what happened until next episode.


	5. Chapter 5

Oops I forgot to edit it!

**Star Wars!**

**A Galaxy where the Jedi masters are very rude to me...**

Hk: Statement: You could fit my capacity in a matchbox, without taking the matches out first.

#13: Welcome back everybody, I am your host Alum Isa Greystone(Alum is a grey stone). Last off the camera guy got me stuck on Dantooine. Lets see who we have in the audience...

SilverShards: Hey!

trueromantic333: Hahaha!

Olen jedi ikuisesti: *Snicker* wookie dung.

JenJo: Hahaha...

SkilletRox: Go Atton!

#13: Wow, I got popular... *Gets hit by a rock*

Jolee: JOLEE FOLLOW SKELETON MAN TO HIS BASE! SKELETON MAN GOING DOWN! JOLEE GONNA THROW WOOKIE DUNG ALL OVER SKELETON MAN'S LAWN!

#13: Quick camera guy shoot some K... *Is crushed under a large stinky ball, you all know what that is.*

Jolee: Hmm, Skeleton man go down nice and easy... hnn ROLE THE CLIP WOOKIE LOVER!

Camera guy: Uhh I'm not...

Jolee: YOU ARE A WOOKIE LOVER OF SKELETON MAN!

Camera Guy: I'm not wookie, I'm a Biff.

Jolee: THEN YOU BIFF LOVER TO SKELETON MAN, NOW ROLE THE CLIP!

...

#13commentary: And so I was kicked out of the Jedi enclave. Vrook was real mad, but I got to stay with my good friend (male)Exile.

(male)Exile: It's good to see you again my old friend.

#13: Well, I was going to the Jedi Enclave, but Vrook was being a total...

#13commentary: Due to broadcasting restrictions, we cannot show cursing... unless it's Revan cursing.

(male)Exile: Well it seems like Vrook is always a total turd.

#13:Do you mind if I stay with you for the night as my ship gets fixed?

(male)Exile: I don't mind, oh have you met my wife (Handmaiden)Brianna?

(handmaiden)Brianna: Honey who is this?

#13: I thought love was restricted by the Jedi code?

(male)Exile: Well me and (female)Exile changed that when we refoged the order.

#13: Vrook changed it back.

(male)Exile: Why that dirty BAstart!

#13: I know, now can I stick around, Jolee kicked me out of (female)Exile's house.

(male)Exile: You got wimpy over the years.

#13: Don't remind me...

#13commentary: That night wasn't the most pleasant of nights. The obvious sounds of dying animals came from down the halls. Or at least I think it was dying animals... I didn't want to check...

Later that morning.

(male)Exile: Man you look terrible, what happened last night?

#13: Look, if that wasn't dying animals last night, I don't want to know what it was.

(male)Exile: Well it was (handmaiden)Brianna and m...

#13: I said I don't want to know, I'll leave it at dying animals!

(male)Exile: But the truth was...

#13: No, no, I don't want to hear it, it was dying animals!

(male)Exile: Ok, it was dying animals.

(handmaiden)Brianna: That was a nice night honey, same thing tonight?

#13: I think I'll go sleep in the caves tonight...

#13commentary: So I went to sleep in the cave but the most startling thing was I awoke to something eating me alive.

#13:Nom, nom nay, nya.

Biff camera guy: There's something eating you #13.

Juhani: Sorry I thought you were dead.

#13: Oh for Avo's sake You ate my big toe!

Juhani: Sorry I have turned to the dark side for eating you. I will go to the Grove and taint it again so the Kath hounds will go mad.

Biff camera: Wouldn't that be bad.

Juhani: You are right, I will go to the counsul and beg for their forgiveness. No they will never accept me back. But I must ...

#13: Man this woman can talk the ears off a Lanik.

Juhani:

#13: I wonder what's for dinner.

Juhani: I will return to the Jedi..*Runs away*

#13: Well that was weird.

#13commentary: Afterwards I returned to my ship, unknowingly Jolee had boarded me mid-atmosphere.

HK-47: Threat: If you pathetic meatbags do not comment, I will be forced to kill Jolee.

Revan: You can't kill Jolee.

Hk: I will paralyze Jolee.

Revan: Can't do that either.

Hk: I will tape him up and keep him from in the show!

Revan: Fine fine.


	6. Chapter 6 the Christmas on Tatooine

**Star wars!**

**In a galaxy full of wookie dung and crazy old men, we all have our trusty assassin droid that will tie them up.**

Back at the studio...

#13: finally we've tied up Jolee.

Jolee: DAMN SKELETON MAN! LET JOLEE GO! JOLEE NEEDS SOME LUMBAR SUPPORT!

#13: Shut up Jolee, you've hounded me for a while now and now I have payback!

Jolee: SKELETON MAN BETTER LET JOLEE OUT!

#13: or what?

Jolee: SKELETON MAN GONNA GET THE BEATING OF A LIFE TIME!

#13: well let's see what's on my to do list...

Jolee: SKELETON MAN GOT THREE SECONDS!

#13: Who all is here in the audience?

SilverShards: *Smiles and nods*

Olen jedi ikuisesti: *waves hello*

JenJo: You're gonna get it guy ^_^

author2be3: Hahaha!

trueromantic333: haha, you're gonna get it

SkilletRox: Poor you, haha

Jolee: ONE!

#13: What do you guys mean?

Jolee: TWO!

#13: I'm serious, what's the matter?

Jolee: THREE!

*Jolee breaks free and tackles me, he then threw me and shot lightning at me*

#13: GHAAA! Old man, you want me to fight you!

Jolee: SKELETON MAN GONNA GET IT FOR MESSING UP JOLEE'S LAWN!

*Jolee jumps at me again*

#13: Jolee, get ahold of yourself! *Force push*

Jolee: SKELETON MAN GONNA GET IT!

Bith camera guy: Well this will take forever, lets roll our next clip...

#13commentary: Well we were now on our way to the planet of Tatooine so we could hunt a Krayt Dragon. My life long dream, other than kicking Malak in the can.

On Tatooine...

Czerka employee: Hello prospective customers, I am a corporate tool. I will be collecting all your money for tax.

#13: Let us through and I won't cut you to ribbons.

Czerka employee: Ok.

#13commentary: We walked out onto Tatooine and saw that it was white and shiny with red and green everywhere. The sky was darken and the sand was covered in snow.

#13: Why didn't we see this earlier?

Czerka employee: This is Tatooine's christmas time, now buy lots of stuff or we will impound your ship.

#13: I'll think about it.

#13commentary: We walked around the whole town of AnchorHead. People were singing, Jawas were sleighing, and Raiders were slaying that night. We stayed at an inn that night and heard a thumping coming from the lobby. I went to investigate. When I got there I saw Santa Raider, all dressed in red and green rags and even his face mask didn't cover up his long white beard.

#13: IT'S SANTA!

Santa Raider: Well hello there little boy, what can I get ya from out of my sack?

#13: Job comes before toys you know, Bith guy get in here!

Bith Camera Guy: Omigosh it's Santa Raider!

#13: I know, it's so radical I can't say it's bogus!

Santa Raider: Well, if you've been good little boys I'll give you a toy! *he reaches in his large red bag.*

#13: Alright, I want a Revan action figure!

Bith: You got tons of those man, what could you do with one more?

#13: Hnn, maybe I do have to many... then I'll take a Santa Raider action figure!

Bith: Still, you have more than you need.

#13: Alright fine, I'll take a cyan single hilt lightsaber, with extra color crystals!

Bith: Didn't the counsel take your saber?

#13: Yeah?

Santa Raider: Here ya go, now don't go doin' bad with it.

#13: Thank you Santa Raider!

Bith: And I want Cassus Fett's battalion armor!

Santa Raider: Alright, lightsaber proof battalion armor coming right up!

#13: Lightsaber proof?

Bith: Yeah, can't have you go cutting me in half.

#13: Fine, but the last time you have to admit it was funny.

Bith: Not to me!

#13commentary: After getting out presents from Santa Raider we went out side to look around. We split up to cover more ground. My Bith camera guy went to the Cantina and started up a big party, and when I got to the gate, the guard said I wasn't on the list!

Guard: Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're not on the list.

#13: *force persuade* I am on the list.

Guard: You are not on the list.

#13: That's my friend in there.

Guard: You are not on the list.

#13: Is that all you can say?

Guard: Security!*Four brully guys show up*

#13commentary: I ran off after that and bumped into Mira.

#13: Mira? What are you doing here?

Mira: I'm here to help people!

#13: Oh, guess the Exile got the good ending.

Mira: What was that?

#13: Nothing, so what brings you to Tatooine?

Mira: the Tusken Raiders are killing off the people of Tatooine.

#13: Hnn, and it's you alone?

Mira: Of course not! I got Visas and Diciple(Mical) to help me out, along with a local militia.

#13: But it's the holidays, surely you can take a break from all of this and go have a drink or two.

Mira: Sure, I might be able to get the other two and we can head over to the Hunter's lodge to get a few shots of Juma juice.

#13: Sounds nice, I guess it's a date then.

Mira: Hold it, I'm going to date you!

#13: Never said that, just noted that we will be together getting a few drinks.

Mira: Oh, then that's fine, but no sudden movements.

#13: Yeah alright, I'll head over there in just a minute.

#13commentary: About a minute later the three of them were sitting in the lodge already and I had appeared to be late.

#13: What, you have secrete passages?

Disciple: No Jolee told us how to get here quicker.

#13: JOLEE!

Visas: Yes, the old man was quite kind and was wanting to meet you.

#13: Maybe I should get going...

*Jolee knocks down the door*

Jolee: JOLEE BEEN LOOKIN' FOR SKELETON MAN! JOLEE GONNA HURT SKELETON MAN FOR WHAT SKELETON MAN AND HIS BITH LOVER DID ON JOLEE'S LAWN!

Mira: Bith lover! Hahaha, what exactly did you do?

#13: I don't got a damn Bith lover, he's my camera guy!

Jolee: SKELETON MAN CAN'T FOOL JOLEE, JOLEE KNOWS WHEN HE SEES TWO GAY LOVERS IN JOLEE'S LAWN, JOLEE GOT TIRE OF WATCHIN' THE WOOKIES GO AT IT AND THEN SKELETON MAN AND HIS BITH LOVER CAME IN JOLEE'S LAWN!

#13: For crying out loud, you don't understand show business!

Jolee: JOLEE UNDERSTOOD SKELETON MAN'S BUSINESS! SKELETON MAN'S BUSINESS WAS TO DO IT LIKE THE WOOKIES DID!

#13: I don't even know what you're talking about!

Mira: hahaha!

#13: Stay out of this! *Pulls out lightsaber*

Jolee: OH, SO NOW WHAT? SKELETON MAN BIG BAD AND SCARY WITH HIS LITTLE GLOW STICK!

Mira: haha.

#13: I guess I'l be breaking my oath to Santa Raider.

Santa Raider: HO HO HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Jolee: SKELETON MAN Must BE GETTING WITH SANTA RAIDER TOO!

#13: Oh shut up!

Revan: And so concludes our Christmas special.

Jolee: SKELETON MAN GONNA GET IT NEXT TIME!

Cortana: Review the number 1 if you want #13 to get to fight Jolee. Review the number 2 if you want to see #13 get turned into a snow man. Review the number 3 if you want him to go to another planet, and be specific on what planet.


	7. Chapter 7

**STARWARS!**

**In a galaxy where your vote counts enough if you vote, there is utter turmoil going on!**

**And Where is this turmoil you ask? Why it's right here in our studios!**

**Statement: I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head!**

Other Narrator: When we last left off our fearful host was in a daring battle with the notorious Jolee Bindo! And now to your votes and all your contribution, we will continue that fight... right after these messages!

Chimerical: **BUY ADMIRAL ACKBAR CEREAL! BUY ADMIRAL ACKBAR CEREAL! BUY ADMIRAL ACKBAR CEREAL! BUY ADMIRAL ACKBAR CEREAL! BUY ADMIRAL ACKBAR CEREAL! BUY ADMIRAL ACKBAR CEREAL! BUY ADMIRAL ACKBAR CEREAL!**

Other Narrator: And now we're back...

_In the studios_

#13: Jolee, you'll never get away with this!

Jolee: SKELETON MAN A DUMMY, SKELETON MAN DON'T KNOW WHEN TO QUIT, OR GIVE JOLEE SOME JELLY DOUGHNUTS!

#13: What?

Jolee: SKELETON MAN GET DOWN FROM THERE, JOLEE HURTS TO BEND JOLEE'S NECK IN THIS PARTICULAR ANGLE!

#13: But you tied me up here!

Jolee: JOLEE NEVER DID NO SUCH THING! SKELETON MAN JUST WANNA GET AWAY WITH THAT BITH LOVER OF YOURS!

#13: Oh for the love of...

Jolee: YOU BITH LOVER!

#13: That guy's just a dadgum camera guy!

Jolee: OH SO NOW SKELETON MAN SCARED OF JOLEE!

Bith cameraguy: Can I have a say?

Jolee: WELL BITH LOVER, YOU WANNA SAY SOMETHIN' TO OL' SKELETON MAN!

Bith: No, I just wanted to get the show started.

#13: And now, since I'm stuck up into the rafters and have no blood flowing to my fingers or toes let's see who's in the audience.

SilverShards: Haha, Jolee's goin' crazy ^_^

author2be3: I wander if he'll use force lightning?

JenJo: I wanted a snowman.

Olen jedi ikuisesti: Lol, Jolee's on a role.

trueromantic333: Omigosh, this is so funny :D

SkilletRox: hehehe ^_^

#13: and it looks like some new people, it makes me so happy.

Myke777: Woohoo keep doin' what you do!

Kingsdaughter613: Awe, I wanted to go to Rakata Prime... wait where's Revan?

_Off in another part of the studio_

Revan: Hk, where's #13?

Hk-47: Answer: I do believe that the pubescent mucus spewing meatbag is in a struggle with the elusive meatbag, Jolee Bindo.

Revan: Oh well atleast they're having fun.

Hk-47: But the elusive meatbag is trying to kill the host meatbag and his bith lover.

Revan: Oh my Force!

Hk-47: Query: What great thing that involves killing the meatbags did you have master?

Revan: I can't believe it... I left the stove on at home.

Hk-47: Master you wound me!

_Back at the main studio/bar stage thing._

#13: Ok, Jolee let me down from here!

Jolee: SKELETON MAN HAVE EARWAX IN? JOLEE NOT LETTING SKELETON MAN DOWN!

#13: But I thought you wanted me down?

Jolee: SKELETON MAN NOT LISTEN! JOLEE DOES NOT WANT SKELETON MAN TO ESCAPE JOLEE'S TRAP!

#13: uhhhg, at least roll the clip.

Jolee: SKELETON MAN DON'T TELL JOLEE WHAT TO DO! But uh, Jolee getting tired of standing around...

_Accessing... Accessing... Rolling... 3... 2... 1..._

#13commentary: And so I fought Jolee on the recently snowy planet of Tatooine. When the suns rose up the snow melted and I got stuck in the mud. When I got out Jolee kickflipped me and ran off into the sunrise, only recently did I figure out that he climbed on my ship again.

Mira: So you going to be going off.

#13: Yes, I have work I need to be doing, but before I leave I must make sure that Santa Raider will be sleeping for another hundred years.

Mira: Ok, fine don't let me get in your way.

#13commentary: I left the city of AnchorHead and went along the sandy desert in my Bantha drwan sled.

#13: On Smelly! On Sandy! On Harry! On Furry! On Horny! On Spitty! On Sluggy!We've got to get to Santa Raider at the speed of... sand!

Sluggy: Waaaaw.

Spitty: Spwaaaw

Harry: Wabawa!

#13: Ok, but I don't see where we'll find any water.

Sandy: Bawabawa.

#13:You're right, I can milk the male of your species and drink the Blue Milk that you produce!

Bith camera guy: I am allergic to Blue Milk Special.

#13: I'm not quite sure what it is, maybe I should **google it**.

Bith camera guy: But we don't even get a signal out here.

#13: Ok, then if you're gonna be a whiny baby, we'll head back to AnchorHead.

#13commentary: And so we returned to the city and decided to leave. When we got on the ship there were Gigza everywhere. I stomped on them petted them and strangled them and then the ones that died gave birth to more of them.

_Back in the studio_

#13: If anyone wants any Gigza, talk to the camera guy over there. And that's all for now, we're signing off...

_Revan's House_

Bastila: Revan, why haven't you paid the house bill?

Revan: I thought I did. I hope Revy isn't taking my money again.

Bastila: Your sister and that husband of hers are the wildest pair I've seen yet.

Revan: I am the most powerful Sith/Jedi in the entire galaxy! I don't see why I have to pay a bill on my own house!

Bastila: Calm yourself!

Revan: You are right, but I'm still a bit frustrated about it.

Bastila: Don't go to the darkside!

Revan: Ok, though I will be starting up my own show, and I'll be talking to all sorts of people.

Hk-47: Statement: MY master is starting a show that will go along this one and any character from a place that's not KotOR.

Cortana: So when you review you must say who you want Revan to meet with in our next episode or you can tell what you want #13 to go and do.

Hk: Agitated statement: The annoying AI is taking my spotlight.

*Note* The people Revan speak to must be from something that's not KotOR related.

#*+NOTE+*#

There will Be a KotOR Talk News update on my profile, it's like the first thing there.


	8. Chapter 8

**STAR WARS!**

**A galaxy of terrible taxes and terribly crazy men,**

**In need of being conquered our host has taken the liberty to going to Rakatan Prime!**

#13: Hello everybody, again. I'm back after a week at Rakatn Prime, the price for these little gigza are still up.

Gigza: Croak ^_^

#13: Yes you are a cute little thing aren't you :D

Author2be3: I want a gigza :D!

#13: *hands gigza over* Here ya go, **be sure to put it as a pet you own on your profile.**

Author2be3: Thank you ^_^

SilverShards: Haha!

Olen jedi ikuisesti: Your show gets better and better every day.

JenJo: I wander who Revan will talk to?

Myke 777: heehee

Kingsdaughter613: Woohoo Rakatan! Why didn't you take me?

Trueromantic333: Omigosh Rakatan!

#13: Sorry, I didn't get the chance to say I was headed to Rakatan Prime. While I was there I found Revy(revan's sister) and Carth, who seemed to be on vacation.

Bith cameraguy: They aren't married yet, I think it's because of Dustil.

#13: maybe... Ro..

Jolee: BOOGABOOGA BOOGA!

#13: GAH! *Falls over*

Bith: Roll the clip.

3...2...1...

#13commentary: As we arrived on Rakatan Prime, we landed on a beach off the coast of some of the only land we saw. It had a large temple on it so I decided to look around.

_on the beach_

#13: Well looks like we made it, that is after finding the countless starmaps.

Bith: But we didn't find the starmaps, we asked Revan to show us the coordinates.

#13: Well we don't have to tell everyone that.

Bith: But wouldn't that be lying.

#13: Oh come on, can't have a bit of fun sometimes?

Bith: My contract says I can't.

#13: Well that, makes a difference.

Bith: I also can't take bathroom breaks, so I've been going in your coffee...

#13: PFFFSHHHHH!*Spits out coffee*

Bith: Maybe I shouldn't have said anything...

#13commentary: After I strangled the Bith for a minute, I then proceeded on to find a big temple with Rakata people walking all around doing strange rituals.

Rakata Elder: It is you once again, welcome back republic soldier.

Bith: When were you a republic soldier?

#13: At the end of the Jedi Civil War, anyway hello, hello again Elder. We have come to get an interview for a holoshow.

Bith: I thought it was a Tv show.

#13: Upgraded.

Bith: Oh so you have enough money to upgrade, but not to get me my own hot tub?

#13: Shut it.

Rakata Elder: I do not understand, what is an interview?

#13: Just like an interrogation, but I'm not going to strangle or hurt you.

Rakata Elder: Then you might want to go talk to Revy and her date over on the far side of the island.

#13: Revy is here?

Rakata Elder: Just landed a bit before you arrived.

#13: Ok, but I'll be back.

#13commentary: So we went to find Revy, got caught in foliage and a giant dark side monster tried to eat us. Now on to a break...

Chimerical:

Revan: I have decided. I will not have a talkshow of my own, instead I will be hosting my own **Fanfiction** crossover. The host has made a **Poll **that lists the different **worlds** I can go to, if anyone of you have any other worlds for me to go to, just say it in a review or you can message the host. Time for me to break the fourth wall with Hk-47 at my side.

Back to the show:

On Corasaunt:

#13: Well that's all for today, I'll be back later to show the rest of the **Trip to Rakatan!**

Hk-47: Statement: I will enjoy tearing out new meatbags organs and hearing them scream in terror and agony!


	9. Chapter 9

**Star Wars!**

**Time for the Valentines special...!**

**but first a quick look into Epic Revan...**

_*crickets yay*_

_Ever long in time and space, the Ancient Sith that Revan defeated many years ago have returned once again, or were they never gone?_

_Revan will have to go to countless worlds to discover the truth of these sith, and little to his knowing, the sith have allied with the villains of those worlds. He'll need to learn new powers, conquer new lands, and make new friends in order to amass an army to take down the most powerful force in all the multiverse._

_And there's still time to choose, to choose where he should go, but time is running out!_

_**Back at the studio**_

#13: Well there was the trailer for Epic Revan, and if you guys really love this show, you'll love that fanfiction!

Bith: Well, Revan will be in trouble depending on where he goes... but it looks like he'll meet the Elric Brothers in Full Metal Alchemist first.

#13: that's right, so we aught to cheer him on, because it's against my contract to vote.

Bith: I just can't believe that we have over 300 hits per chapter and none of those people voted.

#13: Still it makes me angry because of that, but I bet they'll start voting now that we post the first look at it.

Colonel Mustang(over radio): It looks like we'll be having a guest coming soon, be sure to open fire first and ask questions later, those were orders from the Furon.

#13: Well, looks like someone couldn't keep quiet when we planted the bug on that guy!

Bith: Sorry, I'll be more careful, but can you do something about this bullet hole in my head?

#13: No...

**Back to the show**

#13commentary: Well through the jungle, we trekked! Onward with the wild and dark side animals that tried to munch at the bith and tried to kill me. But soon enough we found Revy's ship! We went up to the ship and knocked on the open hatch.

*Knock knock*

#13commentary: Revy opened up the hatch and looked around, when she saw me she jumped up to greet me.

Revy: Hey Alum, haven't seen you since the Mandalorian wars!

Bith: Your name is Alum?

#13: Yes, I thought I explained that four or five episodes ago when your name was still Camera Slave.

Bith: *Glares*

Revy: So what're you up to?

#13: well I'm working on a show and your brother asked us to find you and get his money back.

Revy: Tell him sorry about the money, but I can't give it back, I bought this new handbag with most of it.*Pulls up a stylish purse*

Carth: Hey Revy where are you?

#13: Carth? Didn't you make an appearance in episode one?

Carth: Yes but that was because Revan sent me.

#13: Alright.

Revy: Did you know me and Carth are together?

#13: That's common news and I also know that you won't get married until Dustil agrees on it.

*Bonk on my head!*

Revy: You didn't have to bring that up!

#13: *K.O.*

Bith: Haha, that hand bag is more like a mace.

#13: *knot grows from head*

Revy: Haha, Cartoon Violence.

#13commentary: Later. Revan arrived to get his money back.

Revan: Revy, you better come out and repay me for taking all that money!

Revy: Why should I, you never let me have anything.

Revan: Revy, you better come down from that tree and give me back my money!

Revy:*jumps down from tree* Fine alright here *give Revan 15000 credits*

Revan: *Receives 15000 credits* Alright, now I have to go.

Revy: I'll pop in every once and a while on your new journey.

#13commentary: And then I watched unconsciously as the man with slicked back hair and tanned skin walked off from his dark blue haired sister. Revan then got in the Hawk and flew off to face the wrath of an ancient Sith.

**End!**

**For now...**

**Tune in for Revan's adventures and be sure to vote on what world he should go to!**


	10. Revan's Journey Part I

*Note*

#13: Well hello again everyone, and now since technical difficulties, I have now added Revan's Journey to the KotOR Talk, so please enjoy.

**After all the Galaxy had been saved, after all his life has been shared, Revan began to remember. He remembered his encounter with the ancient dark lords and he remembered the second time he confronted them, and thought he had won, but now, now he knew they were still out there and he knew he had to stop them.**

**Chapter1**

**Revan**

The former dark lord got up into his ship, the Ebon Hawk, and he decided to travel fast to the Rakatan Planet. There he found his sister, whom was the only one he could trust with the information, and she was on a short vacation. He actually went there to settle a debt he had with her, but soon as it was payed off and she was informed about his plan, he took Hk-47 and T3-M4 with him off into unknown space.

Almost a lightyear into space Revan found that there were multiple planets under influence of the ancient sith, picking which one to save first would have been the hard part.

One planet seemed promising enough and he decided to land there. Given the nature of the archives, he had determined that the planet was a bit more primitive and if the inhabitants saw his ship, it would cause mass chaos and alert the sith of his presence. So he went in quietly and swiftly, landing off in some ruins of the desert. No one seemed to live there but it was teeming with life.

Upon exiting his ship a group of tanned people with red eyes ambushed him from the rubble. They jumped at him with what seemed like a repeater rifle, but it didn't have laser blasts. Revan quickly deflected the bullets with his hand and then force pushed the people to a safe distance. Revan then let a purple spark fly from his right hand and he drained the life out of one of the men. The others stood in shock and fear from this power as they watched their friend turn to dust. Revan let the light energy disappear from his hand and then he let a burst of lightning fly from his finger tips and zap the rest of the men.

Revan signaled for Hk follow him into the desert, but not before telling T3 to take the ship to a secluded canyon, or some empty spot on the map.

As Revan and Hk walked on through the desert, they might as well walked for two or three days without rest until they came up on a scorching hot canyon. It seemed as though a city was built into the canyon side.

"Rush Valley?" Revan said in question. "Wonder what this place is about?" Unbeknown to Revan Hk-47 was on the run from some people off in the background.

Hk was on the run from the pathetic meatbags, and they didn't seem insulted or angry when he called them such, they just egged on asking, "Please let us see your machinery, it is such a wonderful design!"

Hk would reply, "Explanation: I am not an organic you meatbag, and please do not touch my circuitry! AGHGGHGHGGH!"

While Hk was being pursued, Revan was looking around to see a young girl pick pocket a few people. It seemed right to turn a blind eye to her for now and retrieve Hk from his harassment so they may get to the inner cities.

"Come on Hk, stop playing with the peons." Revan said in an insulting deep voice through his mask.

One man came up to Revan, "Sir, did you build this wonderful spectacle of mechanical achievement."

Hk replied, "Flattering: Why thank you meatbag, for saying such wonderful words to such an evil droid as myself." Hk seemed to have a sort of blush from it.

The man then said, "It is far more advanced than any of our automail and far more intelligent too!"

Revan grinned beneath his mask, "Why yes I did, I built Hk-47."

The man asked, "Please tell us how you achieved such a grand design for such an intelligent droid!"

"Well, I can't quite remember, I did get my mind screwed up in past times and Hk has a fail safe that wipes or hides his memory, so I don't remember when or how I made him."

The mechanics all fell into a slump of depression and walked off to their shops since they had no way of learning the secretes behind Hk. "Alright Hk, lets go."

"Statement: that was a close one master, I almost gave into their flattery and wanted to give out candy and sprinkles to people."

"How would... never mind, lets keep going to our destination."

"Right master, let us get going."

Off in Central City, the Homunculi were now in league with the ancient evils and were receiving a transmission from them, though only Lust, Envy, and Gluttony were around to hear it. In the panel a red glow emitted a holographic figure to the area in the dark, the figure was odd and had his cheeks braided to a point at the bottom and his eyes blinked from side to side, and his outfit was in question as well, "The former Dark Lord Revan has landed on your planet, do not take him lightly, he has enough power to destroy this planet with a single thought." the crickety old voice echoed around the three as another figure emerged into the room.

"Then, why does this so called monster not just do away with us?" a young voice caused the other flesh beings in the darkened room to flinch.

"Because he is not a true dark lord, his whole plan is in deception and he plans on ridding this world of it's seeds of darkness." the hologram lifted his hand, "Revan will wear a mask like this and travels with a droid that is only half as dangerous as him, but twice as bloodthirsty."

Lust spoke out, "And you expect us to kill him?"

Gluttony couldn't hold it in anymore, "Let me eat him, pretty please, I just want a little morsel of him, please it's just making me so hungry talking about it!"

The old voice lowered his hand and choked Gluttony through the sheer will power, "Silence beast, you will have it in due time, but our troops will have to be there first before anything is settled. Try your best, but even as we know you are not immortal, he is just a man as well." the hologram released Gluttony who wheezed and gasped for air until he fell on his back. "Only be warned, and don't try to betray us, we are far more powerful than him." the Hologram flickered off and the room was pitch black.

Revan hastily made it to the Central City and skipped the eastern city entirely, mostly because of rumors from a Bith camera guy running around. Also, he had heard that there was an investigation going on in Central, so if he was a part of that group he would have a clue of whom the sith are allied with.

Hk queried to Revan at this notion, "Query: Master, why do these ancient and powerful meatbags want to ally themselves to the lesser beings of these worlds?"

"These Sith aren't like Malak or Traya, these sith want to be an echo that conquers everything from the shadows of the dark." Revan said discretely as they were surrounded by civilians and now in central.

"But Master, what would be the point in such a cowardice attack?"

"I don't know, but I do know that just one of those acolytes are more than twice as powerful than me." Revan said with a grieving sigh.

"Complement: Master you are far more powerful than any of those meatbags!"

"Not exactly true, they've lived for far longer and have a far larger fleet than I."

"Conjecture: Master, isn't your fleet still back with the Republic?"

"It is, now, lets hurry and get to the Embassy, I need to talk to the leader of this country." Revan said leading Hk into the large building.

Two guards intercepted Revan and demanded to know his buisiness, Revan replied with a wave of his hand, "My business is my own, now you will let us pass."

The two blue coated guards said in sync, "Your business is noting the matter to us, you may pass." their eyes looked pale but Revan knew that if he didn't hurry he would have to deal with them again.

Revan kept down the hall until he saw another man wearing the blue coat of their army, except he wasn't as clean cut as the others and he wore some thin glasses. The man stopped as he noticed Revan and then demanded, "Who are you," in a curious tone of voice.

"I am Revan, this is Hk-47, we have come to help out in any way we can."

"Complement: And by help, Master means that I will get to blast some meatbags!" Hk blurted out in joy.

The man pondered a bit, "Well, seeing as you aren't properly attired, you must be some travelers from the east, or some foreign galaxy far far away."

"Query: How did you know our place of origin, meatbag?"

Revan facepalmed and the man seemed more excited than startled, "Wow, so aliens are real, I'm Lieutenant Corneal Maes Hughes." the man shook Revan's hand but slowly backed away as Hk brought up his gun, "Uh, well, i you came here to help, then something otherworldly must be going on."

"I am trying to save your world from an armada of Sith lords who wish to convert your planet to evil so they could grow stronger." He said in one swoop to remove his hand from his head.

"Well, I'm not suppose to talk about this," he moved his voice to a hush, "but we're on the verge of discovering the corruption in the government, it seems that it has something to do with the auraborus tattoos and the Philosopher stone."

Revan pondered a moment, "What is the Philosopher stone?"

"It's a stone that intensifies an Alchemist's powers and could even be used to bring back the dead."

"There's something you're not telling me." Revan tried the Jedi mind trick on .

Hughes put his hand to his head trying to resist, "Aw man what a head ache, but I can't tell you what I don't know."

"That information you gave me is very helpful, it's no doubt that the sith are using Philosopher stones."

"Then they would have had to sacrifice hundreds of lives!" Hughes shouted in fright.

"Sacrifice? I know the sith have many rituals, and some I took part into some as well, but the ancient scriptures say nothing about making a stone through sacrifice."

Hughes seemed angered, and confused and said, "You took part in them!"

"I did, I was once the Dark Lord of the Sith, and had an army that could annihilate a whole planet with only blaster pistols if they wanted, but I only did so, so I could take down these sith, I failed miserably." Revan said as he walked along side . Hughes and Hk-47.

"Well lets get into the Archive room so we could speak more about it." he said in a serious voice, "There have been riots in Liore and in Ishval, it all adds up, but I want your perspective."

They walked down into the archive room and they opened the door to revel a woman who was standing in the middle of the room. Revan was unmoved but Hughes was startled when the woman turned around, she had an auraborus tattoo on her chest. Hughes could only usher the words, "Cool tattoo." he had a startled face on him and Revan stood emotionless.

"Really, that's all you have to say? Wouldn't you and your friend rather scream?" the woman said as she raised up her hand to have her fingers grow longer and lunge at Hughes. Revan stopped the attack in mid air and then used the force to disintegrate her hand all together.

Revan slowly walked towards the woman as his powers strangled her. He then walked up to her and stood at her face, "Who are you." his voice echoed in her head and started to burn her from the inside.

"Not like we're gonna tell you, but we do know who you are," another figure appeared in the doorway and Lt. Hughes scampered off behind Revan.

"Lt, your information seems to be of more value than I thought, I guess that the group that is corrupting this world has shown itself to me." Revan said with a slight chuckle, "But I think it was foolish for them to all come to me at once!" Revan ignited his lightsaber and placed it into Lust's heart, in other words right dead center of her tattoo.

Lust gave out a yell of pain as the pinnacle of her power was pierced with the blazing hot blade. She gave a final smirk before dissolving into ash and dust. Lastly a small red stone exploded when all her dust had passed.

Revan stood up straight and looked around, the other figures had run off and Lt. Hughes was still ready for combat. "Now, what was your gathered intel?" he asked.

**_#13: Now now, Revan isn't just gonna save Lt. Hughes, but he's also gonna finish the entire series of Full Metal in record time, or he could leave and return later, he still has plenty of other worlds he has to go to just to even get to the Sith. Be thinking on the next world real soon, you never know when he's gonna leave the Full Metal and run off to kill more sith._**


	11. Author's Note See you next year

.:Note:.

Hey Readers, I'm gonna be gone for a while, but don't worry I'll try to update every once and a while but I guess I'll just see you all next school year.

Besides, I'll have plenty of time to work on these stories without having class in the way.


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